Betrayal

Betrayal.... ugly, ugly word. Oh and it hurts so bad, doesn't it? When someone you love dearly, trusted completely, someone you let into your most vulnerable spaces betrays you....the heartache is so real and painful.

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Matthew, chapter 26. In the Bible. I was so sad as I read how Judas was betraying Jesus. How could he do that, I thought. Little tears welled up in my eyes. Then, several verses later, Jesus goes away to pray in the garden. He tells his friends, the disciples, to stay and watch out for him. Actually, He says more than that.... He says, I am deeply sorrowed, please stay and watch for me. But they fall asleep.....3 TIMES! Jesus comes back and warns them twice to stay awake. The 3rd time He comes back, He asks... "still sleeping?", "still resting?". I can hear the implication.....despite my warnings you are still sleeping? --- Well, now the betrayer is here!

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How could they do that? How could they just fall asleep?

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We---I, am the same! Ignoring the warnings, brushing off the gentle nudgings of the Spirit. "Sleeping" so to speak. It's quite convicting to me to admit that I allow the betrayer to enter the gates of my life because of my selfish "sleeping".

Breaking Free (pt 2)

I didn't think about my drinking very much for a while after that 1st night I wrote about in the last blog post. I would reason it away and ignore the nagging feeling that I probably drank too much.

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In January of 2005, the church we were a part of announced that, as a church body, we could take part of a 21-day fast. If you aren't familiar with fasting, it is simply a time when a person either limits or eliminates all meals for a certian period of time to consecrate themselves to prayer, meditation and seeking God's direction. My husband and I decided to take part in the fast and also decided that our fast would be from all food, we limited our intake to water, juice and broth soups only. I secretly reasoned to myself that once our fast was over, I'd probably quit drinking altogether. I didn't drink any alcohol during the 21 day fast. And, it wasn't a problem either. I didn't find myself craving wine. In the 1st few days, I probably missed it because it was a habit. But drinking was non-negotiable at that point so my brain didn't argue with itself.

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The 21-days came and went. It was an amazing time of prayer and worship to God. And I came out of that time feeling very close to and very in love with God. Knowing even more confidently that having an intimate relationship with Him was something I desperately wanted and needed. Knowing that I never wanted anything to seperate me from Him, ever.

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I'm not sure, but I'm pretty positive, that it was probably only 1 or 2 days after the fast was over that I drank again. And I really didn't like myself for doing it.

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I gave myself plenty of reasons why I did it....everyone does it, it's only wine so what's the big deal, and heck, with all that I'd been through in my life, I deserved to drink and "relax" whenever I wanted to....and so on and so on. I guess I had started realizing deep down that it was most likely too much. But I didn't know what to do about it. I liked drinking. It was part of my life. It made me comfortable. But it was starting to make me uncomfortable.

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I think sometime several months after the fast, I decided I was going to quit drinking. When I thought about it, drinking didn't serve any purpose in my life. There was no reason for it. So I decided I'd stop. Probably, it was one morning after waking up feeling like crud because I'd finished an entire bottle(the big one) of wine the night before.

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That decision lasted until I was in my car driving home after work that day.

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And that began the cycle of trying to willpower myself out of drinking.

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(to be continued)

Breaking Free

I guess I'll start at the beginning, that's usually the best place to start. Trying to pin point the actual beginning of this story is difficult though. I mean...it's a big story. And even though it's happening to me...I'm not even sure when it *really* started. But all I know is this, I gotta get it out of my head and heart before it fades into oblivion. The story will never fade..but the details they will, some already have I'm sure. I trust God will bring back every single detail that needs to be told.

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I'm broken. In a lot of places. The biggest break was in my heart. It was so big that I'm not sure I could see it...like it spanned outside of my vision it was so big. A cave...no, more like a black hole, because it sucked in everything around it to try to be full.

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The breach in what was comfortable about my brokenness happened few months after I realized my deep need for true love, realized my deep need for redemption and rescue, a few months after I reached up for the hand that was reaching down for me, a few months after I realized my need for a savior and I gave my life over to Jesus Christ.

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I had walked in my brokenness for so long, a lifetime in fact, that I'm not even sure I realized I was wounded anymore. I had gotten pretty comfortable with the hiding, the covering up, putting on my mask everyday. Most of the time, even I believed the lies I portrayed to everyone else. And funny enough, I thought they believed it too. Now, I'm not so sure I ever had anyone fooled.

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The breach, the crack that started the shifting in my foundation of lies, happened on a normal weekday night at the end of day that was not out of the ordinary in any way. Normal day, get up, get dressed, go to work, come home, start dinner, blah blah blah. But God had something much more planned. He was about to begin the process of bringing me out of my normal and into His extraordinary.

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Even though I talked a good game of having my life under control, inside I was a mess. Deep down I guess I always believed that the emptiness that existed in my heart and soul would be filled by something outside of myself. I was always on a search for what made me feel satisfied, worthy, useful, better. When I was young, school aged, I just knew that if I had the right clothes, the perfect hair, the best grades then I'd be okay. That's where I found my value. As I grew older, those things didn't fill the void any longer. I searched everywhere. What I can put into to words now that I couldn't then, was that I really believed that if I found the husband who loved me enough, the job that fulfilled me enough, the children I was raising well enough, friends that were loyal enough then that is when I would be complete. The emptiness would disappear and I'd finally be content.

In all the searching and in the trying to fit in and in the trying to cover up all the empty feelings, I started drinking. At first, it was an occasional social drink to calm my nervousness of always feeling like I never fit in anywhere. Drinking made me feel more at ease, more able to crack a joke and clown around like everyone else. It also made me stop worrying about every.single.thing. I did and said. I was always so worried about what people thought about me. I wanted everyone to like me, so I constantly replayed everything I did and said over and over in my head and then I'd berate myself for not being perfect. The drinking made that go away. I'd stop worrying and then if I did do something really stupid, I had the drink to blame. It was perfect!

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I met the husband who loved me enough(and he still does!), I had the job I really loved, I had the children I was raising well enough, I had many amazing friends who were not only loyal, I mean, they really liked me! Inside, though, I was still a mess. What a really lonely, disturbing, awful day that was when I woke up to the fact that I had all that I had always thought I needed to finally be full and content and happy. And yet, when I looked in the mirror at myself, I still saw yuck! I still felt empty, void, useless, worthless.

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So I drank. It made me forget. For a little while. And like I said before, I got really good at walking in my brokenness.

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So, back to the night the things began to change. I came home from work that night, poured a glass of wine, and got dinner started. I decided I'd read while I waited for the darling husband to come home and the dinner to cook. I got my Bible, sat down at the kitchen table, put my glass of wine right next to me and opened up to Proverbs. Seemed completely normal to me at the time. I mean, hey, I always enjoyed reading a good book with a glass of wine. As I read though, this nagging feeling came over me. At first I didn't really understand it, I felt odd, out of place. I remember, I stopped reading and kind of looked up and around and thought, what is going on? And then, I looked over at the glass of wine and I heard in my heart...because it wasn't an audible voice, just a knowing in my heart....Dawn, you can't read my word with that stuff. I thought...WHAT? Again..a little voice in my heart...Dawn, you know you can't read my word with that wine here. I sat still for a minute and didn't think or say anything. And, like any good sinner....after a couple of minutes I started reading again. But the feeling wouldn't go away. And after a few more minutes, I started to get indignant and mad. Thinking in my head....really, just who does He think He is? I *always* read with wine. Seriously, who does He think He is telling me that I can't have it? (Can you see me? Just shaking my head, getting all high and mighty thinking no one, not even God, has the right to tell me I can't have a glass of wine.)

So, I turn off those thoughts in my head and put my eyes back to where I was reading. And read.... "My child don't ignore it when the Lord disciplines you, and don't be discouraged when he corrects you. For the Lord corrects those he loves, just as a father corrects a child in who he delights." (Proverbs 3:11-12). Seriously, my eyes just about popped out my head! What? What, did I just read? So I read it again and you know, it just connected with me, the Lord was speaking to me through His Word, right then. I had heard people say that the Word is alive, that it is living and breathing. I never understood what they meant until right then. It spoke to me....I promise you it was like a person was standing in the room with me and spoke it out loud. I didn't hear it with my ears...but hearing something with your heart is much more audible!

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I immediately picked up that glass of wine and took it to the kitchen.....

...........and put it in the fridge to save for later.

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Remember, this is just the beginning. That was 5 years ago. And that was the first crack in the foundation of false security I had built for myself over so many years. I didn't know it then, but it was going to take some serious demolition to tear down the walls I had built around myself. Heck, my walls were so big and shielded me from so much that I didn't even know I had them...that's how in the dark I was!

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(to be continued)

Day 1: The Gratitude Experiment

Day 1 was interesting.

I'm not sure that I'll be updating this on a daily basis, in fact I'm sure I won't be just because life is so busy. But I wanted to write today because God is so faithful and kind. I have a sneaky feeling that my thought life will be under the magnifying glass over the next few weeks as I go through this personal gratitude experiment.

As soon as I said I'm ready God, He showed up.

It's 5:30ish last night. I'm scooting around the house doing all the stuff we Moms do. I'm yawning, it's been a long day and I still have a long night ahead of me. It's Thursday, Dylan has Vertical youth group on Thursday nights. I'm tired, I don't want to go anywhere. He's a new driver and in NC they have a provisional license that limits the time teens can drive. Since Vertical ends at 9pm he can't drive himself, so about the time I'm ready to be in pj's fading into la-la land, he needs to be picked up. Normally, Brian picks him up, but Brian's out of town. So I say to Dylan, "wow, I really wish you could drive yourself tonight." Innocent enough right? Out of the mouth comes the abundance of the heart. That innocent statement showed my true heart. I was more focused on my needs than what God wants or what Dylan needs. Instead of being thankful that I have a car to drive Dylan to youth group, instead of being thankful that our church has a thriving teen ministry that teaches MY son how to be in intimate relationship with Jesus, instead of being thankful that I have a son who wants to go be in the presence of God, instead of being thankful for all those things...I was complaining that I had to drive. BOOHOO!!! Wow! I immediately apologized to God and took time to thank Him for all the blessings that are wrapped up in this one little act of driving my son to and from youth group!

An hour later, it happened again. I decided to stop by the grocery store on the way to drop Dylan off. Just to run in and get 2 little things. I wanted to just hop out & run in, leave Dylan & Zachery waiting in the car. Nope, Zachery wouldn't hear of that. "Please Mommy, I want to go with you." Then he pulled out the big guns..."Mommy, I love you and you my best friend, I want to go with you, please. I'm having good manners." So, I take him in the store. Which makes a 2 minute quick run in turn into a 20 minute adventure. So as I'm telling him one more time, Zachery please stay right beside me....do not walk away from my side. And, if I'm honest, getting a little frustrated! Quietly God says to my heart, isn't it beautiful that you have a child who can walk? A child who wants to be with you? Who says you are his best friend? Yes, God. It is beautiful and I am thankful for that! Now, this situation is a little different. Zachery does need to obey me, if for nothing else but safety's sake in this situation. But I think God was showing me that even in frustration, even in my rushing around, I can be thankful for the gifts he's given to me.

Day 1: The Gratitude Experiment. A big success!

The Gratitude Experiment

It's November. I love November, mostly because it has Thanksgiving in it! Yay, Turkey and pumpkin pie! Oh, and all the other delicious food we get to eat for the rest of the year! :-) Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. I mean, Christmas is awesome and I'm a Christian so Christmas has very special meaning to me but I really love what Thanksgiving embodies. The thoughts of how our lives are blessed, reasons we have to be thankful. It just brings out an overflowing amount of gratitude in me and I see that in other people too.

So I was pondering thankfulness and gratitude today. Thinking about what God says about thankfulness. I believe God wants us to have a lifestyle of gratitude. He talks about it so much in His word. He considers giving thanks a sacrifice that truly honors him (Psalm 50:23). Giving thanks brings you into the presence of God (Psalm 100:4). He tells us to give thanks in everything (Ephesians 5:20). I want my life to honor God and I want to be in His presence always.

Usually, at Thanksgiving dinner, as a family we all share a few reasons we are thankful. It's so gratifying to hear what everyone says. As I thought about all of these things and the scriptures, I wondered what would happen in my life if I chose to have more gratitude? What if I made a deliberate effort to have a lifestyle of gratitude. I felt God nudging me forward, saying why just think about it Dawn? Do it! Try it out. Thus, the gratitude experiment was born!

A month of giving thanks in everything! A month of sacrificing myself to truly be grateful in every circumstance! I'm not sure what will happen....I'm sure I'll have more joy but I wonder what God is teaching me! If you are reading this, hold me to this okay? Make me accountable! .

Surprise me God! I'm ready!

Key Rings

Here's a little something I've been thinking about for the past few days.

Keys.

I'm working through this amazing book called "What Happens When Women Say Yes to God". In a nutshell it's about radical obedience to God. No, not necessarily selling all my belongings and moving across the world to Africa to spread the gospel to the "utter most parts". But sometimes to change the world all you need to do is walk across the street to your neighbor! More along the lines of keeping myself in a posture of complete surrender and obedience to God.

So, I'm showering and thinking about what I've been reading. Hey, as a Mom, you take the quiet times wherever you can get them...even in the shower! Actually, now that I think about it, it's usually in the shower.

Anyway, I think to myself...AH-HA, the key is obedience. The key to God is obedience.

But wait, haven't I said the same thing about love? If I just had more love then my behavior would be more Christ-like.

And the more I think about it...I realize, I've said that about many things.

The key is faith, just have more faith and my relationship with God grows more intimate.

The key is trust, if I just trust God a little more then that's where I finally get it!

The key, the key, the key.

Like I need a key to unlock the great padlock on the mystery that is God. God says I don't need a key...I just have to knock and He'll open the door.

Okay, then the key is knocking, if I knock a little louder then I'll finally get it.

My thoughts are interrupted....Oh, Dawn, Dawn, I hear a little whisper in my heart. God always says my name twice when he's tickled with my way of thinking. I can just imagine Him sitting(standing, floating, being--however He exists) there slightly shaking his head and saying oh, Dawn, Dawn...there you go again. Bringing me down to your level. I'm much bigger than a key, Dawn.

Isn't that what we like to do? Try to bring things down to our perspective, our understanding, our way to understand it more, to grasp it more. I don't even realize I'm doing it most of the time. Putting God in a box, a neat little box that allows me to pretend I understand His ways. But he tells us clearly that His ways are not our ways, so why do I do this? What compels me to search for the key that is going to unlock the final door to the mystery?

I feel productive when I'm doing that, in all honesty. I like feeling productive. I feel validated when I'm productive. I feel useful and secure when I'm productive. I feel worthy when I'm productive.

Humph, well, there you go. When I'm able to put God in my neat little box of understanding or I'm able to put another key on my key ring of who God is, then I feel in control and I feel worthy.
But when I do that, I miss it all. I miss everything. I'm worthy simply because He calls me His own. I'm secure under His protection. I'm validated because He chose to die for me.

So I whisper back to Him, you're right God. Just like I shouldn't try to fit you into a box, I don't want to put you on a key ring either. There's so much more to who you are than that.


And because God is really funny....He says right back....And Dawn, don't you always lose your keys anyway?

Toilet Humor

Don't all boys love toilet humor? It seems that most of them don't ever grow out of it either. Well, Zachery's put a new twist on toilet humor.

In the mornings when I need to shower and no one else is here, Zachery hangs out in my room watching TV or playing with his monster trucks. Of course, he occasionally will need to use the potty. We all know what happens when you flush a toilet while someone is in the shower....the water in the shower gets really hot! So the conversations went something like this, I'd hear him in the bathroom and say "Zachery when you finish using the potty, don't flush the toilet." "Why, Mommy?" E-GADS, the WHY is a whole nother blog, good gracious!! Anyway. "Why, Mommy?" "Because when you flush the toilet, the water in Mommy's shower gets really hot." "Okay Mommy". And of course, he'd flush and I'd say...."Oh no, Zach, Mommy's water is hot now."

So one day a few weeks ago I'm in the shower and I hear him come into the bathroom. And a minute or so later I hear the toilet flush. At this point, I just let it go, and didn't say anything about it. And then he says to me..... in a sing-song voice.... "Mooooommmmmmeeeee, is your water hoooootttt?" Oh My Gosh, I think....he came in here and flushed that toilet on purpose! "Zach", I say, "that's not nice to do that on purpose to make the water hot". I hear a little snickering laughter and out he runs. I just giggled to myself and thought, that little STINKER!

Yesterday, I'm enjoying a warm steamy shower and I hear the door to the bathroom slowly open and then I hear the toilet flush and then I hear his little feet RUN out of the bathroom! He did a flush-n-run!!!

People, this kid is only 3!! Calgon....take me away.......