Flower Gardens

I’ve been facing my imperfections lately. What else is new, right? Well, I’ve been facing them in a new, uncomfortable, surprising way. For a long while I’ve been dealing with a rather large personal issue, I’m still dealing with it, and in all honesty I’m not ready to talk about it yet. However, it’s slowly moving away. As it has moved on, I’ve been very surprised by what’s left behind. See, I had this idea that was the giant…this personal issue…was the problem, the disease. My eyes have been opened over the past month or so that that problem was simply a symptom. There are underlying issues that are what really need to be dealt with. I am journaling the process and I hope to share in a beautiful, God given way one day. Right now though, I want to tell you about what happened at church this morning. Because it was exactly what my God is about and exactly why I love Him so much and exactly why I long to know Him more intimately and precisely why I want everyone to know Him.

Back to my “imperfections”. I mistakenly thought that if I was able to conquer the giant I spoke of above that the feelings of inadequacy and insecurity and guilt would disappear. Well, they haven’t. So, I’ve had to face the cold, hard truth that the giant was there just to cover it all up….how I really felt about myself. I thought I felt inadequate and insecure, guilty and shameful because of “the giant”. In reality it’s the other way around…the giant is there because of those feelings. God just had to get rid of it, for me to see the truth. We, God & I, we’ve been on a long walk through this. And I know He’s telling me the truth. He’s been kind when I needed it, been stern when I needed that and loved me like no other every step of the way. At any rate, I woke up this morning feeling very inadequate. See, I didn’t do enough yesterday. I was supposed to work last night…but I was scheduled to work on the patio at the restaurant where I waitress and thunderstorms popped up last night. So I was offered the night off, now I’m sure I could have gone in and asked around enough and someone would have gone home & I could have taken over their shift inside the restaurant. But I didn’t. Instead, I called a wonderful friend & we decided to go to the movies. As soon as I did it, I knew I’d be kicking myself later. With thoughts like, “you really should work”, “if you aren’t at work then you should at least be at home cleaning the house”. And then, I didn’t even do anything once I did get home. No cleaning, no organizing, nothing. And then, I slept through the alarm this morning. So I was maybe 7 minutes late for church. I almost didn’t go to the 8:30 service because I knew I’d be walking in after the music started. But something made me go anyway. All the way there, I fought the internal battle of knowing in my head that 7 minutes is not that big of a deal especially when I’m on time every single Sunday otherwise, but in my heart wondering what people would think, and if I’m honest, what did God think about me sleeping though the alarm. YES, I know how all this sounds…but it’s real. And I know that these feelings are not how God desires me to live or be. So I told Him that. And I walked into church, late. Feeling like I didn’t do enough, already planning what I was going to do today to make up for all I didn’t do yesterday. And then He wrapped me in His arms. That was the 2nd song our amazing worship band sang at church this morning. These are the words….

There is a God who loves me. Who wraps me in His arms. And that is the place where I'm changed. And that's where I belong. Take me to that place Lord, To that secret place where I can be with You. You can make me like You. Wrap me in Your arms

So I’m singing my guts out on the bolded part. And then, because I do want to be more like Him and I want to be changed, I prayed one of the Psalms that I pray a lot….. Psalm 139, search me O God, search my heart. Show me my heart God, what is it in my heart that makes me feel the way that I was feeling this morning. I wanted God to show me what was wrong with me, so I could fix it. He says …. I’ll show you your heart, Dawn. Here’s what your heart looks like to me. And then I saw something like a book being opened up and a huge, enormous, overflowing, beautiful flower garden came pouring of it. And the flowers never stopped. And He said, your heart is beautiful and I love you. Your heart is a garden that I love to walk through. And then the tears came. And then I remembered a scripture God showed me one day, Isaiah 55:13. Isaiah is one of my most favorite books in the Bible. It says “Where once there were thorns, cypress trees will grow. Where briers grew, myrtles will sprout up. This miracle will bring great honor to the Lord’s name; it will be an everlasting sign of his power and love.” My heart used to be a place where thorns and briers grew. But with God’s power and love, He’s taking out those things and replanting beautiful cypress trees and myrtles. Sometimes those old weeds want to try to make a comeback but my God shows up and plucks those suckers right out. Like I said before, I prayed that Psalm because I thought I wanted God to show me what was wrong so I could fix it….but He knows me better than I know myself and what I needed was a vision, a reflection of who I am in Him. A beautiful flower garden.

I hope this gives you a glimpse of why I am so in love with God.