- Alarm. And before my eyes even open I say, Good Morning God, I love you! And I want you in my day. (wow, I'm a really good Christian, aren't I?)
- Go downstairs, pray with my husband, snuggle up w/ my little guy, Zachery, and read a few chapters in my Bible. (WOW, I REALLY am a GREAT Christian!)
- make some breakfast, make lunch for Zach, make a shopping list for after the preschool drop off (WOW...not only am I a great Christian, I'm also organized!)
- head back upstairs to get ready for school...... and if this blog had sound effects you'd hear the screeching of tires bringing this awesome and organized day to an abrupt halt!
Because right then is when my precious little 4 yr old begins tap dancing on my every nerve. No, I don't want to get dressed. Then he proceeds to hide in the closet, under my bed, beside a cabinet that's in the hallway. After hiding, he lies on the floor... I'm tired, I don't want to go to school. We'll just fast forward past all the details and get right to the point.... I quickly began losing my patience. Which quickly takes me to raising my voice and threatening spankings and going to your room...blah blah blah.
Okay, Wow, I'm a really bad Christian because I can't even remain patient with a 4 year old! And, none of this would be happening if I would have been organized enough to get him dressed and ready for school before we came downstairs in the morning.
So, with lots of tears, we finally make it through getting dressed, brushing teeth and hair. Back downstairs, I decide to make a coffee for the road....and proceed to spill the entire HUGE travel cup of coffee all over the counter top, down the front of the cabinets and onto the floor. Yeah, this day is just awesome and it's not even 9AM yet! Right then Zach comes around the corner and says... what happened? I respond, I just spilled the coffee everywhere. His response to that? "yeah, you're not awesome anymore Mom."
Deep breath.... Then I, sort of in a huff, start praying out loud, something like this... okay, this is ridiculous, what in the world is happening to this day? I'm not handling any of this well! I need Zachery to be obedient, I need me to NOT lose my patience and go off handle. I need YOU to be strong right now because apparently I'm right smack in the middle of all my weaknesses!
And, I hear quietly, Go worship me. WHAT??? But even as I said what, I knew it was right. It connected to a place in my heart that just fit. I can't explain it, but I just knew that's what I needed. But of course, it didn't seem to make sense. I mean, really, how do I go spend time worshipping God when I've just completely lost my mind? I don't deserve to be able to go worship Him. And, so I told Him that.... "Well, this is just going to feel WEIRD! I don't deserve to be worshipping you. But I'm going to do it."
I head to the CD's in the living room and open the door to the TV cabinet where they are. My eyes immediately fell to an old CD by NewSong. Yeah, that's what I need a New Song in my mouth!!! I go upstairs to the only CD player we have, sit on my bedroom floor and put the volume really loud and start singing. I wonder about Zachery.... a quiet whisper in my heart, he'll come, give him time. I close my eyes. And sing. "You put a new song in my mouth."(See Psalm 40) I "feel" someone looking at me and open my eyes. There stands Zach, with his jacket and shoes on. I smile and he sits in my lap. We hug and I sing. At the end of the song, he says... I want to go to school Mommy. We talk about things a little and seriously we both had a HUGE change in our moods and attitudes. It was a brand new beginning full of mercy and grace from God.
I'm not proud that I lose my patience so easily. I know that God is dealing with me about this situation big time right now. Which, I think, is why Zach has a way of just pushing my buttons into overdrive faster than a Porsche with nitro right now. God says, you're weak in this area...let me be strong. I go a few days handling it all fairly well on my own and then slip right back into my old habits. But God! But God! But God!
I just can't believe how quickly, virtually instantly, things changed once I started singing along and focusing on Him. And really, it didn't feel that weird. God inhabits the praises of His people, the Bible says in Psalm 22:3. So it's simply impossible to remain angry and impatient while praising Him, because God is slow to anger, abounding in love and compassion (Psalm 86:15).
Anyway, I'm not sure to how to end this, except to say that in my great moment of weakness in handling a normal everyday problem God rescued me. And it's these moments that I fall in love with Him more and learn more about His character... That He is faithful, kind, true, merciful and gracious. I didn't deserve for Him to speak so kindly to me when He said go worship me. I deserved what I had been doing to my son, raising my voice, threatening discipline. I didn't deserve for Him to love me right there in my pit, but He did and once again He, the Holy King, came down into my unholy, ugly mess and sat me on His lap and rescued me.
God is awesome!