Thursday, February 18, 2010

Breaking Free (pt 2)

I didn't think about my drinking very much for a while after that 1st night I wrote about in the last blog post. I would reason it away and ignore the nagging feeling that I probably drank too much.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In January of 2005, the church we were a part of announced that, as a church body, we could take part of a 21-day fast. If you aren't familiar with fasting, it is simply a time when a person either limits or eliminates all meals for a certian period of time to consecrate themselves to prayer, meditation and seeking God's direction. My husband and I decided to take part in the fast and also decided that our fast would be from all food, we limited our intake to water, juice and broth soups only. I secretly reasoned to myself that once our fast was over, I'd probably quit drinking altogether. I didn't drink any alcohol during the 21 day fast. And, it wasn't a problem either. I didn't find myself craving wine. In the 1st few days, I probably missed it because it was a habit. But drinking was non-negotiable at that point so my brain didn't argue with itself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The 21-days came and went. It was an amazing time of prayer and worship to God. And I came out of that time feeling very close to and very in love with God. Knowing even more confidently that having an intimate relationship with Him was something I desperately wanted and needed. Knowing that I never wanted anything to seperate me from Him, ever.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm not sure, but I'm pretty positive, that it was probably only 1 or 2 days after the fast was over that I drank again. And I really didn't like myself for doing it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I gave myself plenty of reasons why I did it....everyone does it, it's only wine so what's the big deal, and heck, with all that I'd been through in my life, I deserved to drink and "relax" whenever I wanted to....and so on and so on. I guess I had started realizing deep down that it was most likely too much. But I didn't know what to do about it. I liked drinking. It was part of my life. It made me comfortable. But it was starting to make me uncomfortable.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I think sometime several months after the fast, I decided I was going to quit drinking. When I thought about it, drinking didn't serve any purpose in my life. There was no reason for it. So I decided I'd stop. Probably, it was one morning after waking up feeling like crud because I'd finished an entire bottle(the big one) of wine the night before.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
That decision lasted until I was in my car driving home after work that day.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And that began the cycle of trying to willpower myself out of drinking.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(to be continued)


No comments: