Breaking Free

I guess I'll start at the beginning, that's usually the best place to start. Trying to pin point the actual beginning of this story is difficult though. I mean...it's a big story. And even though it's happening to me...I'm not even sure when it *really* started. But all I know is this, I gotta get it out of my head and heart before it fades into oblivion. The story will never fade..but the details they will, some already have I'm sure. I trust God will bring back every single detail that needs to be told.

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I'm broken. In a lot of places. The biggest break was in my heart. It was so big that I'm not sure I could see it...like it spanned outside of my vision it was so big. A cave...no, more like a black hole, because it sucked in everything around it to try to be full.

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The breach in what was comfortable about my brokenness happened few months after I realized my deep need for true love, realized my deep need for redemption and rescue, a few months after I reached up for the hand that was reaching down for me, a few months after I realized my need for a savior and I gave my life over to Jesus Christ.

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I had walked in my brokenness for so long, a lifetime in fact, that I'm not even sure I realized I was wounded anymore. I had gotten pretty comfortable with the hiding, the covering up, putting on my mask everyday. Most of the time, even I believed the lies I portrayed to everyone else. And funny enough, I thought they believed it too. Now, I'm not so sure I ever had anyone fooled.

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The breach, the crack that started the shifting in my foundation of lies, happened on a normal weekday night at the end of day that was not out of the ordinary in any way. Normal day, get up, get dressed, go to work, come home, start dinner, blah blah blah. But God had something much more planned. He was about to begin the process of bringing me out of my normal and into His extraordinary.

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Even though I talked a good game of having my life under control, inside I was a mess. Deep down I guess I always believed that the emptiness that existed in my heart and soul would be filled by something outside of myself. I was always on a search for what made me feel satisfied, worthy, useful, better. When I was young, school aged, I just knew that if I had the right clothes, the perfect hair, the best grades then I'd be okay. That's where I found my value. As I grew older, those things didn't fill the void any longer. I searched everywhere. What I can put into to words now that I couldn't then, was that I really believed that if I found the husband who loved me enough, the job that fulfilled me enough, the children I was raising well enough, friends that were loyal enough then that is when I would be complete. The emptiness would disappear and I'd finally be content.

In all the searching and in the trying to fit in and in the trying to cover up all the empty feelings, I started drinking. At first, it was an occasional social drink to calm my nervousness of always feeling like I never fit in anywhere. Drinking made me feel more at ease, more able to crack a joke and clown around like everyone else. It also made me stop worrying about every.single.thing. I did and said. I was always so worried about what people thought about me. I wanted everyone to like me, so I constantly replayed everything I did and said over and over in my head and then I'd berate myself for not being perfect. The drinking made that go away. I'd stop worrying and then if I did do something really stupid, I had the drink to blame. It was perfect!

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I met the husband who loved me enough(and he still does!), I had the job I really loved, I had the children I was raising well enough, I had many amazing friends who were not only loyal, I mean, they really liked me! Inside, though, I was still a mess. What a really lonely, disturbing, awful day that was when I woke up to the fact that I had all that I had always thought I needed to finally be full and content and happy. And yet, when I looked in the mirror at myself, I still saw yuck! I still felt empty, void, useless, worthless.

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So I drank. It made me forget. For a little while. And like I said before, I got really good at walking in my brokenness.

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So, back to the night the things began to change. I came home from work that night, poured a glass of wine, and got dinner started. I decided I'd read while I waited for the darling husband to come home and the dinner to cook. I got my Bible, sat down at the kitchen table, put my glass of wine right next to me and opened up to Proverbs. Seemed completely normal to me at the time. I mean, hey, I always enjoyed reading a good book with a glass of wine. As I read though, this nagging feeling came over me. At first I didn't really understand it, I felt odd, out of place. I remember, I stopped reading and kind of looked up and around and thought, what is going on? And then, I looked over at the glass of wine and I heard in my heart...because it wasn't an audible voice, just a knowing in my heart....Dawn, you can't read my word with that stuff. I thought...WHAT? Again..a little voice in my heart...Dawn, you know you can't read my word with that wine here. I sat still for a minute and didn't think or say anything. And, like any good sinner....after a couple of minutes I started reading again. But the feeling wouldn't go away. And after a few more minutes, I started to get indignant and mad. Thinking in my head....really, just who does He think He is? I *always* read with wine. Seriously, who does He think He is telling me that I can't have it? (Can you see me? Just shaking my head, getting all high and mighty thinking no one, not even God, has the right to tell me I can't have a glass of wine.)

So, I turn off those thoughts in my head and put my eyes back to where I was reading. And read.... "My child don't ignore it when the Lord disciplines you, and don't be discouraged when he corrects you. For the Lord corrects those he loves, just as a father corrects a child in who he delights." (Proverbs 3:11-12). Seriously, my eyes just about popped out my head! What? What, did I just read? So I read it again and you know, it just connected with me, the Lord was speaking to me through His Word, right then. I had heard people say that the Word is alive, that it is living and breathing. I never understood what they meant until right then. It spoke to me....I promise you it was like a person was standing in the room with me and spoke it out loud. I didn't hear it with my ears...but hearing something with your heart is much more audible!

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I immediately picked up that glass of wine and took it to the kitchen.....

...........and put it in the fridge to save for later.

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Remember, this is just the beginning. That was 5 years ago. And that was the first crack in the foundation of false security I had built for myself over so many years. I didn't know it then, but it was going to take some serious demolition to tear down the walls I had built around myself. Heck, my walls were so big and shielded me from so much that I didn't even know I had them...that's how in the dark I was!

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(to be continued)