What Else Can I Do?

I was a broken, hurt, empty shell walking through life pretending everything was okay.

My mouth, my face, my actions would say "I'm doing great". But my heart, my emotions, my being was wandering stranded out in the desert of nothingness, searching for worth and purpose and life.

In one simple act of desperation.... "I can't go on like this anymore, please save me."

You rushed in.

You gently picked up my heart, put it back into my shell.

You extravagantly loved me...when I didn't even know what love was.

You filled my brokenness with hope.

You healed my hurt with your sweet love.

You showed me my value, my worth.

You said no longer will the outside lie about the inside.

You taught me how to trust by never failing me.

You delivered me from addiction.

You unlocked the cage around my life with forgiveness.

You brought freedom to my spirit by teaching me to forgive.

And still You take me further....it's not just fixing the broken.

It's crafting a new vessel.

You put dreams inside me.

You put belief that I can make a difference.

You say open your mind and your eyes, there's more, there's deep significance out there.

The broken, hurt, empty shell is no more.

What can I ever say or ever do to thank you or repay you?

Nothing.

What else can I do then, but offer this new heart, new life back to you?

What else can I do but be completely surrendered to You?

As a lover of You!

This song tore out my heart this morning. So I'm sharing it with you and I pray it does the same for you. Oh, that we could ever understand the love Jesus, the King, has for us. Oh, that we could ever return just a fraction of that love to Him. This is my hearts prayer that His fire and jealous flame consumes all that keeps me from being a totally abandoned lover of God!

Come break the chains,

The chains that hinder love.

All that remains of yesteryear.

Come break the chains,

The chains that pull me down.

Come break the chains and draw me near.

Let Your fire burn consuming me,

Let Your jealous flame

Come take away everything!

Let Your fire burn consuming me,

Let Your jealous flame

Come write Your name upon my heart,

Until all that remains

Is the Light of Your countenance

And I will be satisfied when I awaken

As a lover of You!

Who is this is garments stained red

Who is this crowns on His head

Who is this He running like a lion

Who is this He's roaring from Zion,

He's roaring from Zion

Who is this King of glory

He is mighty to save all who call on His name

In righteousness He is mighty to save

He's mighty to save all who call on His name

But woe to the enemy

Of the King on His Wedding day

But woe to the enemy

Of the King on His Wedding day

All of your judgments... are just and true.

Un-Resolutions

I used to make a lot of resolutions. All the classics like lose weight, eat healthier, exercise more. Or some different ones like spend more time with family, remember friends and family's birthdays. But, like a lot of people, the resolutions usually went out the window by Valentine's Day. Plenty of good intentions but very little follow through.

This year, I'm trying a new thing. I like new things. A fresh perspective on an old idea. How about this... An UNresolution.

Here's my list of UNresolutions:

1. I break my resolution to engage in critical, negative thinking and speaking. Out the window goes the words "I can't", "I could never" and other similar statements and thoughts.

2. I break my resolution to be in control of everything. This is a difficult one for me, but in the end I know I'm not in control and trying to pretend I am only separates me from the One who is.

3. I break my resolution to worry. Again, not easy. But worry, like wanting to be in control, just causes separation between me and God.

4. I break my resolution to relive my past. I am a new creation in Christ and focusing on my past mistakes and heartbreaks negates the price Jesus paid for me.

5. I break my resolution to see my future through my own eyes. That's much too small! Instead I think I'll use God's vision for my future this year.

I think I'll end there. I'm sure I could go on and on, but a small, manageable list is usually best for me.

What about you? Is there anything you want to unresolve for this year? I'd love to hear about it.

I'm not perfect BUT God is AWESOME!!

Here's a quick run-down of how my day started:

• Alarm. And before my eyes even open I say, Good Morning God, I love you! And I want you in my day. (wow, I'm a really good Christian, aren't I?)


• Go downstairs, pray with my husband, snuggle up w/ my little guy, Zachery, and read a few chapters in my Bible. (WOW, I REALLY am a GREAT Christian!)


• make some breakfast, make lunch for Zach, make a shopping list for after the preschool drop off (WOW...not only am I a great Christian, I'm also organized!)


• head back upstairs to get ready for school...... and if this blog had sound effects you'd hear the screeching of tires bringing this awesome and organized day to an abrupt halt!

Because right then is when my precious little 4 yr old begins tap dancing on my every nerve. No, I don't want to get dressed. Then he proceeds to hide in the closet, under my bed, beside a cabinet that's in the hallway. After hiding, he lies on the floor... I'm tired, I don't want to go to school. We'll just fast forward past all the details and get right to the point.... I quickly began losing my patience. Which quickly takes me to raising my voice and threatening spankings and going to your room...blah blah blah.

Okay, Wow, I'm a really bad Christian because I can't even remain patient with a 4 year old! And, none of this would be happening if I would have been organized enough to get him dressed and ready for school before we came downstairs in the morning.

So, with lots of tears, we finally make it through getting dressed, brushing teeth and hair. Back downstairs, I decide to make a coffee for the road....and proceed to spill the entire HUGE travel cup of coffee all over the counter top, down the front of the cabinets and onto the floor. Yeah, this day is just awesome and it's not even 9AM yet! Right then Zach comes around the corner and says... what happened? I respond, I just spilled the coffee everywhere. His response to that? "yeah, you're not awesome anymore Mom."

Deep breath.... Then I, sort of in a huff, start praying out loud, something like this... okay, this is ridiculous, what in the world is happening to this day? I'm not handling any of this well! I need Zachery to be obedient, I need me to NOT lose my patience and go off handle. I need YOU to be strong right now because apparently I'm right smack in the middle of all my weaknesses!

And, I hear quietly, Go worship me. WHAT??? But even as I said what, I knew it was right. It connected to a place in my heart that just fit. I can't explain it, but I just knew that's what I needed. But of course, it didn't seem to make sense. I mean, really, how do I go spend time worshipping God when I've just completely lost my mind? I don't deserve to be able to go worship Him. And, so I told Him that.... "Well, this is just going to feel WEIRD! I don't deserve to be worshipping you. But I'm going to do it."

I head to the CD's in the living room and open the door to the TV cabinet where they are. My eyes immediately fell to an old CD by NewSong. Yeah, that's what I need a New Song in my mouth!!! I go upstairs to the only CD player we have, sit on my bedroom floor and put the volume really loud and start singing. I wonder about Zachery.... a quiet whisper in my heart, he'll come, give him time. I close my eyes. And sing. "You put a new song in my mouth."(See Psalm 40) I "feel" someone looking at me and open my eyes. There stands Zach, with his jacket and shoes on. I smile and he sits in my lap. We hug and I sing. At the end of the song, he says... I want to go to school Mommy. We talk about things a little and seriously we both had a HUGE change in our moods and attitudes. It was a brand new beginning full of mercy and grace from God.

I'm not proud that I lose my patience so easily. I know that God is dealing with me about this situation big time right now. Which, I think, is why Zach has a way of just pushing my buttons into overdrive faster than a Porsche with nitro right now. God says, you're weak in this area...let me be strong. I go a few days handling it all fairly well on my own and then slip right back into my old habits. But God! But God! But God!

I just can't believe how quickly, virtually instantly, things changed once I started singing along and focusing on Him. And really, it didn't feel that weird. God inhabits the praises of His people, the Bible says in Psalm 22:3. So it's simply impossible to remain angry and impatient while praising Him, because God is slow to anger, abounding in love and compassion (Psalm 86:15).

Anyway, I'm not sure to how to end this, except to say that in my great moment of weakness in handling a normal everyday problem God rescued me. And it's these moments that I fall in love with Him more and learn more about His character... That He is faithful, kind, true, merciful and gracious. I didn't deserve for Him to speak so kindly to me when He said go worship me. I deserved what I had been doing to my son, raising my voice, threatening discipline. I didn't deserve for Him to love me right there in my pit, but He did and once again He, the Holy King, came down into my unholy, ugly mess and sat me on His lap and rescued me.

God is awesome!

Sometimes God just makes me laugh

So, remember my post from yesterday? The one where I was frustrated because God didn't answer my question and it confused me. Well, He answered me this morning. As I sat down with my Bible and the cute, new journal from the weekend, I said "well, are we going to work on this today?" He said, "wait, weren't we already working on something before?" And then I "remembered" that we had started studying through a couple of behavior issues I need to deal with....mainly anger and discipline. We have been looking at scripture every day concerning anger and how to discipline my children. No, I'm kind of done with that I think....no actually what I thought was...oh, can't we just work on that later, after we do the fun, cute little journal? No. Anger. Discipline. It's what we are working on.

So that's why He didn't answer that question yesterday. Because I was supposed to be doing something else.

Oh, He just makes me laugh sometimes!

God just confuses me sometimes

Oh, I'm sure I'm not the only one who has ever thought that. But really, sometimes I have to wonder about stuff with God.

This weekend I went on a great women's retreat to connect with God. And we did! We connected. He talked to me, I talked to Him, we had fun, we sang, we danced, we cried, we laughed. I'm thankful that I can have a relationship with God that is open enough to do all of those things.

So, this morning, I sat down with my Bible to read, pray and talk to God. We were given a follow-up journal to the weekend study we did on the retreat. It was an AMAZING study by Beth Moore that really arrested my heart and shook me up quite a bit. So I was really looking forward to working through the journal over the next few weeks to dig into the subject a lot more and grow from what I learned. I sat down all ready to attack the 1st page of that journal. I prayed that God would speak to me, that He would examine my heart and I would have Godly wisdom as I studied. I go to the 1st question and ask God what the real answer is. You see, I can answer it in my own mind and what I think...but that's not what I want...I want God to show me the truth in my heart. I know full well that I can deceive myself....so I want, I need God to show me the answer. So I ask. I wait, full expecting God to speak to my heart and I hear...... ummm, I hear....... hummmmm, I hear...... NOTHING, CRICKETS, NOTHING!!!

Seriously? Nothing? And this is where I get confused. I understand that sometimes I pray with a physical need....and I don't hear or receive an answer right away. I just feel like if I'm really sitting and asking God to examine my heart and show me where I am spiritually about a spiritual concept like "loving others"....I kind of expect Him to answer me! I can answer it myself but somehow I'm not quite sure if I can safely, correctly assess my ability to truly love others the way God requires. So I wanted Him to give me a little insight. And I'm still waiting.

And I'm not going on to question #2 until I get an answer. So there!

This post really isn't going anywhere specific...no neatly tied up answer or revelation. Just sort of sharing my frustration and confusion.

Stories from Peru

"The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet."

Frederick Buechner

*****

That quote really sums up my recent week in Peru. I was there on a short term mission trip. This was my 3rd trip to Peru and it will not be my last. God really stirred up a deep passion in my heart for the country of Peru. I love the people, so full of love and kindness. I love the worship, lively, exciting and reverent all at the same time. I love the children, precious little faces full of hopes and dreams. I know that God has called me there and I only want to be where He calls me, so that is very exciting to me!

*****

Deep hunger..... I saw deep hunger in every sense of the word. Physical hunger on the faces of children and their parents, people hungry enough to dig through trash to find scraps to eat. I saw eyes filled with hunger, a hungry soul knowing that somehow, someway there has to be more out there. I felt the hungry hugs of women desperate to feel worthy and lovable. I heard the hungry cries of lonely children whose parents have abandoned them to the streets. I heard the hungry pleas of Pastors praying for God to move and bring relief to the country of Peru. I saw and felt the hungry spirits of everyone around me. Hungry for God to move, hungry for more of God, hungry to know Him more, to serve Him more, to know more of the freedom He gives. And that's the best place to be because in Matthew 5:6 the Bible tells us that those who hunger and thirst for righteousness will be filled.

*****

And fill us, He did!!!

*****

Here are just a few highlights of the week:

• 
  
  85 people were saved, accepting Jesus as their Lord and Savior!


• 
  
  Service work at Hope House, a girls orphanage. We painted several rooms, doors and a ceiling. We built cement steps, a huge project that really amazed me when it was finished in 1 day!!


• 
  
  The doctor and dentist that was on our team also gave medical and dental exams to the girls at Hope House. The dentist even pulled a few teeth.


• 
  
  We spent plenty of time hanging out with the girls at Hope House. Visiting with them, giving them gifts, singing with them, playing volleyball and gave them supplies for their home. Just simply loving them.

• Visited Villa La Paz, a clinic where many children stay who are awaiting surgery and where they recuperate after surgery until their family can care for them again. Some children live there...their families can't or won't take them back. There are very few doctors in Peru, so adequate medical care is virtually nonexistent. Dr. Larraza, who runs Villa La Paz, was a professor and surgeon at Emory Hospital and University in Atlanta. He gave up his position to start Villa La Paz and now devotes his life to the children that come through the clinic. Again, we simply spent time with the children and gave them gifts and supplies for the clinic.








• 
  
  Visited Centro Shama boys home. A boys orphanage that rescues the boys that live on the streets and under the bridges of Peru who are addicted to drugs. The boys come in, get off the drugs, go to school, have chores, learn about God and are rehabilitated. These boys are precious and very talented. They are excellent dancers and singers. They have videos, CD's and perform concerts. It was so much fun spending the day with them playing soccer, seeing their rooms, watching all their great dance routines. We gave them lots of gifts(soccer balls and cleats, toys, books, Bibles) and gave many supplies for the home.







• 
  
  Made several visits to the San Pablo area. This is an extremely poor community that is served by Iglesia El Renuevo, the church we partnered with for most of the ministry time in Peru. No running water, no electricity, many of the children had no shoes when we met them, the houses are shacks made out of discarded scraps of metal and wood, some without roofs.


• 
  
  At San Pablo we fed the children a meal on Sunday morning and then ministered with a short devotion. On 2 other trips there we played soccer and volleyball with the women and children. We gave out a lot of gifts, including shoes, toys, clothes and toiletry items. As part of our team was walking through the community they came across a group of 9 young girls who were practicing a dance routine. One of our team members explained we were there to do women's conferences to tell people about Jesus and asked if they knew who Jesus was. The girls did not know. The team member went on to explain the Gospel of Jesus and all of the girls accepted Jesus as their Savior right there! Praise God!!







• 
  
  Medical clinic for the community near Iglesia El Renuevo. The medical team (which included a doctor, a dentist and several assistants) saw over 70 patients, administered minor medical care, gave out several prescription medications as well as many over the counter treatments, gave lots of toiletry items to the patients, the dentist pulled several teeth and even had to extract 1 surgically! If doctors are rare in Peru, dentists are even more rare; so this clinic was a critical need for the community. 4 people received salvation that day also. One man said this... "I just came by here and all my needs were met. I was hungry and you gave me something to eat. I was sick and you helped me. And I got my spiritual needs met too!" That still brings tears to my eyes! That's just what Jesus would have done.


• 
  
  We had a leadership conference at Iglesia El Renuevo, with teaching on what it means to be a good spiritual leader in your home, church and community.


• 
  
  One of my favorite nights of ministry was the time we spent with the women of Pat's Place. Pat's Place is a home for women and children rescued from extreme domestic violence situations. We spent time with the women and children sharing stories of our lives and the forgiveness and healing we've received from Jesus. The women also shared their stories and we were able to pray for God to come in and heal their hearts. I know that God really touched those women that night!







• 
  
  While the women were ministering at Pat's Place, the men from our team were at the church having a men's conference. One of the team members spoke from Ephesians 5, teaching that Christ commands men to love their wives as Christ loves the church. It is so amazing to me to see the scope of what God is doing in the lives of the people of Peru. At the same time in one night, God was healing the broken hearts of the women who have been so abused and mistreated and He was also teaching the men how to love their wives! God is so good!!!!


• 
  
  We held 3 nights of women's conferences at 2 different churches. The conferences included special music, testimonies from our team members ( I was honored to share my personal testimony twice), teaching from the Bible on understanding and walking in your destiny as a Daughter of the King. After the teaching there would be a special ministry time of prayer. Our team would pray with every single women who desired prayer for any need. We saw many tears and broken hearts. We also saw God touch many lives and heal those broken hearts. This time of prayer was always extremely powerful. God is faithful to meet those who are seeking Him!








• 
  
  We had daily team devotions each morning that turned out to be one of my favorite parts of the trip. God really ministered to me during those times, through the music and the message from my team members. God would take that time and fill my heart up with His love, peace, and joy. He would give me courage and strength and speak His love over me every morning. It was a very special time for me and the Lord.


• 
  
  We also had the privilege of praying for a house where Iglesia El Renuevo has recently started cell groups. Life groups(cell groups, small groups whatever your church calls them) are very important to me and a personal passion I have for the local church. So praying for this new direction that Pastor Jonathan is taking with his church was quite an honor for me and I loved being able to take part in that!







• 
  
  A really fun and meaningful part of our trip was right at the end. One of the girls from Hope House was having her 15th birthday. In the Spanish culture that is a really big deal! It's like a debutante party and it's called a Quinceanera. She did not want to have the party, saying that she wasn't pretty enough and that no one would want to be there. Deep down, these girls usually feel worthless and unlovable. Their parents have abandoned them and most think it's because they aren't good enough. Well, our team really showed up! One of the young men from our team escorted Maricella out into the party room that was all decorated in baby blue and white. He stood by her side while several people from our team and the house mother and father spoke words of encouragement and inspiration to her. And then he danced with her. That's when the real fun started, all the young men from our team took turns cutting in and asking for the dance! It was quite a sight to see. At the end, the young men all showered her with birthday gifts. It was a party fit for a princess!







• 
  
  We did get to have some down time too....we had a fun dinner out one night at Norky's restaurant. A popular restaurant that serves rotisserie chicken. It was delicious! We were able to shop at a fun flea market style shopping mall....lots to choose from and good deals to be found(or haggled for!). We visited a nice outdoor mall in Mira Flores that overlooks a beautiful beach and enjoyed a walk around downtown Lima.


• 
  
  But the most fun thing of all was serving God, right where He wanted me to be, right beside some amazing men and women who loved serving God too! It was such an honor and a privilege to work alongside this team in Peru, I learned so much from everyone and that takes me back to the quote.....

The place God calls me too is the place where my deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet.

*****

I know that I was created specifically for times like I just had in Peru. Introducing people to the deep, great love and freedom of Jesus Christ, sharing my story of the freedom, hope and peace Jesus has given me and being completely surrendered to the will of God brings me such deep joy and gladness that it's difficult to express but I hope one day everyone can experience it for themselves.

If you'd like to see more pictures from my trip you can follow these links to the complete album on my Facebook account:

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=68448&id=1207762665&l=9f6689044a

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=72098&id=1207762665&l=77bff46372